So today I was looking through some old pictures and of course I ran across a whole lot that were taken with my old friend Erin! It was always a blast hanging out with her. I loved what our friendship was built upon; understanding, compatibility, love, a bit of competition, praise, and what I thought was stability.
When Erin and I first became friends, she grew best friends with my best friend Lizzy! I adored the situation! I loved that Lizzy, Erin and I could all find common ground with each other. Then Lizzy kind of disowned Erin as a friend. It was a childish thing that a couple girls took part in; it was a pretty normal grade school situation.
I could have not talked to Erin, and say I was jealous of her and Lizzys relationship before... but I didn't. I was a good friend to both Lizzy and Erin. Lizzy didn't mind, Erin did. Erin would tell me about the mean things Lizzy did, and I would agree they were mean. But I never really put Lizzy down as a person because she was my best friend as well, and was doing what was natural when at that age. But I would never disagree with what Erin had to say about the situation.
I did feel bad for Erin and I had to agree she was going through very hard times, and that those girls should have never done those things to her.... but what happened happened and I think that it is one thing that you cannot change. And every situation should be embraced. Now Erin could make new friends that she would not be annoying to and appreciate her, and still be friends with me as well!
Ever since I was little I learned to not take things too personally and to just suck it up when things got tough. It is just recently that I realized people cannot help but carry around their baggage and take things very personally. I now know it is okay that Erin held a grudge, it was only natural. And she slowly but surely grew out of the resentment with Lizzy.
They both learned to let go to a certain extent. Erin learned to hold her guard up and carry a grade school attitude with her after high school. It was all she knew and it was mainly subconsciously as she was probably scarred from the third grade situation.
There was no way for Erin to avoid the third grade situation and that is why I stayed her friend. It was not her fault that she was who she was, and it was not her fault that those girls made fun of her. Now years and years later, faced with a similar situation, Erin did not respond like I did.
When someone is hurt, it is hard for them to hear anything than someone agreeing with them, and that is why we surround ourselves with our friends to comfort us.
Kaelyn is Erins' other best friend, and she betrayed me like Lizzy betrayed Erin. This time, Erin was not accepting to me. She put me at fault. She pointed out my weaknesses. Some words of comfort, but they were showered with words of hurt and instability to our friendship. Why didn't Erin set everything aside and say she was sorry Kaelyn and I were not friends anymore? Instead she instigated the situation and tried to figure it out, and when I was accepting to her trying to figure out the situation and was willing to talk, she would take Kaelyns side.
I did not ask Erin to take my side, I didn't ask her to take anyone's side. But she distinctly made it a point to say that she was Kaelyns friend too and that I had to accept that. I DID accept that, I already did a long time ago. I would never ask Erin to take my side. She could even take Kaelyns side... but why would she tell me she agreed with Kaelyn? I didn't need to hear the words at that time, and she made it a point to tell me. She was obvious in the fact that she would talk to Kaelyn, but would not answer my calls.
I have learned to leave the situation and move on and I did... but I was in a way held back from moving on because I didn't understand why I was so hurt besides us being friends for so long. Now I realize! Looking back I feel betrayed because I stuck by Erins side since the third grade, and remained best friends with Lizzy. I comforted Erin and was loyal to her AND Lizzy.
So why didn't Erin do what I did all those years back, and assure me that she was still going to be my friend? Now i know for sure that she was a great friend, but not my best friend with good intentions. It takes a lot for me to give myself to someone else, and be their best friend. Being best friends for me means that you can TRUST that person, and I did with Erin. After the now situation, I cannot. I am not even sure I can be friends with her again because I feel so betrayed. I put a lot of effort into being her and Lizzys friend at the same time. When push came to shove and Kaelyn confided in Erin, and Erin did not put effort into staying friends with me but making Kaelyn feel better instead. Erin did not trust me or what I had to say FULLY. That is one thing that I take pride in, when people can fully confide and trust me.
So now I can let go, and realize why I had really gotten so mad. I honestly don't even know why Kealyn got so mad in the first place. It was literally a situation I could not avoid at any costs; at some point Kaelyn was going to get mad at me and test to see if Erin would take her side or not.
Well Kaelyn you won, and Erin you lost a friendship with me. And corrupted some of my memories with you. I will remember the good times and not think about the bad. Too bad I can't look back at the good times with you anymore. Wish you would consider me in your life for real this time and realize how good of a friend I really was.
